Goblin kings and the Xmen
by BlueRascal
Summary: Complete. Ok, quite simply we ate too much sugar whilst watching the Labyrinth. So heres the result, its funny and i hope someones insane enough to read it. Mainly Kurt fic.
1. Cousins and Video Shops

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men (I wish I could), Labyrinth (well, I own a DVD of it) or David Bowie – I wouldn't mind owning him though...

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Every one stared at Jean horrified for a long moment before shifting their gaze to John, Jeans youngest cousin whom she was babysitting for the night. John looked like a miniature version of Jean with thick red hair and huge green eyes. Currently he was trying to grab a hold of Kurt's tail.

Ororo moved over to the red headed teenager. "My dear, what possessed you to look after your cousin here in the mansion?"

"I wish to know also." The professor wheeled into the room before stopping in front of her and picking up the child. "Well?"

Jean played with a strand of her hair. "My Aunt Julie and Uncle Jim who were staying nearby wanted to go to see a show and so they asked me to take care of John." She smiled suddenly. "And I couldn't say no, I live in a school for mutants, could I?"

Kurt twisted his tail out of the toddlers reach. "Err, Jean? Does everyone in your family's name begin with a 'J'?"

"Of course not, I have a cousin Anne – no wait, she's called Joanne." She giggled. "Oh well, must be a family tradition."

"Ja." The blue mutant managed to successfully move his tail away from the danger zone of the cousin who pulled a face. "Looks like he's concentrating."

Professor Xavier nodded slowly. "Your right Jean, though I wish you had at least informed me before hand of your plans."

"Couldn't you have just read my mind?"

"You now fine well that I don't believe in..."

Everyone tuned out of the lecture fondly called 'telepathy and its ethics'. Evan though actually interrupted it. "I think John's going cross eyed."

"Evan!"

"Sorry auntie O."

The woman was about to say more only the back ground drone of the lecture stopped abruptly. Everyone looked over to see why as Professor Xavier lifted the child off his lap very carefully. There was a large wet patch on his trousers now and a very pleased look on the babies face.

"Jean."

"Sorry professor."

-----------------------

Finally, a moment of freedom. Kurt Wagner examined the shelves of DVD's in the rental store. What to choose – a horror that would make Kitty cower in his arms or a horror that would make him laugh? Or perhaps just a general slash fest of a horror where everyone dies.

There was a snort behind him and he looked round with his yellow eyes hidden beneath his hologram to see Logons broad chest. "Ja, Herr Logan?"

"Elf, no horror movies, they're a bad influence for the baby."

Kurt slowly took in Logan's gruff demeanour; the fact that he had been waving his adamantium claws around just ten minutes ago after John had thrown up on his favourite chair and broke into a grin. "Zhen you vont be able to go back to ze mansion."

"Don't act smart, elf." He grabbed a few DVDs off the 'family' rack and walked over to the counter to pay for them. Everyone groaned at the idea of a family movie.

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The family movies turned out to be a horror that had been put back in the wrong place, a pokemon movie and the Labyrinth. It was decided (to the teenager's complaints) that the horror was unsuitable. The pokemon movie was discretely put away and as the Labyrinth was put into the DVD player. Everyone settled down with popcorn and cola to watch as an extremely bad CG owl was flying around the opening credits.

"Do we, like, have to watch this?" Kitty groaned loudly.

"Yes."

"But professor..."

"We are going to watch the movie as scheduled."

She sighed and settled down against the cushion only to realise it was Kurt; she jumped back and into Scott who she blushed at. As the room was dark, nobody noticed though Kurt did roll his glowing yellow eyes.

----------------------

The Labyrinth was about an over dramatic girl, named Sarah, looking after her little half brother and then giving him away to the Goblin King by saying 'I wish the Goblin King would take you away, right now.' So a bunch of mad Muppet rejects – the goblins – stole the baby and she made a deal with the Goblin King, Jareth. If she reached the castle before the thirteenth hour then she would get little Toby back, if not, the Goblin King would turn him into a goblin.

There was much singing, the girl often acting like an idiot with really bad acting and the Muppet rejects kept stealing the show. It was unanimously decided that whoever wrote the Labyrinth must have definitely been high on something. Though they also agreed that David Bowie made a great Goblin King.

As it happened, the girl managed to miraculously save her little brother just in the nick of time, turn down the Goblin King (much to the girls disgust) and then have an overly happy ending about how great friendship is and lots more mad singing and reject Muppets.

There was a silence as the movie ended before the X-men burst out laughing and started to take the mick out of the various puppets, characters and the songs. Kurt took great delight in annoying Kitty until she hit him and told him to get lost and stop freaking her out.

Then John started to cry and everyone groaned, but not as much as Jean who had to take him to bed early. Everyone decided to call it a night and all warned Jean that if a certain baby woke them up, then she'd be suffering the consequences for a long time.

The red head looked at her little cousin before seething quietly. "You know, I really wish there was a Goblin King who would take you away right now." She closed the door and went to bed, thinking about what Scott would look like dressed in the spandex trousers of the Goblin King.


	2. Strangeness, Riddles and Goblins

Disclaimer: Look, you'll have read my first one so why do I need to repeat that I own nothing of any worth?

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Scott sat up suddenly in his room, a deep feeling of dread in his chest as he looked around him wildly. He rose to his feet, slipped on his combat ruby quartz shades and quickly slipped into his black spandex suit which he had strategically placed next to his bed in case of emergencies. In his mind he knew that he had to go and catch up with Jean who had stupidly gone and given her cousin to the Goblin King – how could she have been s foolish? No doubt she would need him to lend her his support.

He only hoped he wasn't too late as he opened his bedroom door and stepped out into a dry dusty field, a large stone wall ran to one side and so he walked over to there. A grumbling little goblin stopped to scowl at him.

"What do you want?"

"To find Jean."

"The girl who's looking for her cousin?"

"Yeah!" Perhaps he was in luck.

"Never heard her of her." The goblin continued to hobble along.

"But – alright, where did she go and if you don't tell me I'll...blast the wall down!"

The goblin looked at him with a bored expression. "She went looking for her cousin who's with the Goblin King in the castle."

"Ok, how do I get to the castle?"

"Through the labyrinth." The goblin was sitting back now and watching him with raised eyebrows. "And let me guess, where's the labyrinth? Well it's through those doors there." He pointed to the wall which swung open on cue.

"Great!" Scott strolled in and looked left and right before choosing left.

"Idiot, he should have gone right."

--------------------

Evan wasn't too sure why he was playing a game of cards with a group of odd looking Muppet like goblins. Though he was positive that Jean and her cousin where to blame. After another round of cards, he decided to give up and go find her so he could go home – he had to get plenty of sleep to plot against Pietro.

The spike growing mutant was therefore extremely surprised when he turned a stone wall corner and ran into Kitty who was looking quite happy. "Err, Kitty, any idea where we are?"

"In the labyrinth, didn't you wake up just knowing that Jean had given John to the Goblin King and is going to rescue him?"

"...no..."

"Oh." The girl shrugged, making her brown ponytail bounce as she did so.

Evan waited for a few more moments before asking. "And why are we here?"

"To rescue Jean of course!"

"From?"

"Herself." Kitty rolled her eyes and started to walk on again, annoyed at Evans complete lack of knowledge. "Didn't you pay any attention to anything when you woke up?"

"No."

"Oh that's just brilliant!"

----------------------

Over the wall and Logan prowled feeling more than annoyed as he realised that he was completely and hopelessly lost – his scent confirmed that he had walked down this strip of maze before, twice.

The mutant paused in his tracks as he heard Kitty's voice. An idea quickly came to mind so he set about actually getting it done. "Hey, half-pint!"

"Mr Logan?" The voice sounded puzzled. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to get you lot out of this maze and -" He paused, knowing fine well that if he continued then they'd accidentally 'forget' where he was. "And give Jean extra sessions in the danger room for getting you into this mess." He was quite pleased with that, only they would _all_ be getting danger room sessions.

"Ok," it was good old gullible Evan, "I'm going to shoot a spike over and let me know if you're more to the left or to the right."

"Then I'll phase through and bring you over." Kitty added in case he wasn't wise to her idea.

"Then hurry up." Logan lit a cigar and stated to puff at it angrily as he listened to the sound of a spike being grown then flung. His eyes slid to between his legs where the spike had just missed. He was going to personally kill that little toad. "Ok, that was a little close."

"I'm coming through." Kitty appeared through the wall, she was wearing he usual casual clothes as was Logan. "Come on, we've got to find the others now."

This was going to be a long night.

-----------------------

Well this was just brilliant. Rogue rolled her eyes as she examined the lovely and endless wall. Just brilliant. She sat down, sun bathing for the moment as she plotted revenge on a certain red head. She swore that if she didn't get to see some nice ass by the end of this, then she would probably kill a few people.

"I hope that's a joke, Rogue."

"Professah, ah thought yer ethics went against spyin' in mah head."

The bald man smiled wryly. "In most normal circumstances I would agree with you, however, this is no normal circumstance."

"Aye professah, its ma dream."

"No Rogue, I assure you that this is not a dream."

She raised her eyebrows and sat up. "Ok then, if this is not ma dream, then why I'm ah here?"

"Jean."

"I should ah guessed it was that snotty Miss Popular."

----------------------

The weather witch was finding herself in a growing dilemma, where was everyone and why was it dessert hot no matter how much she made this little patch of the maze rain? Giving up on trying to give some plants a half decent drink, she went and found herself a goblin.

It was bright red with a bulbous nose, pointy ears and had a large bushy tail. The thing glared at her for a few moments longer. "Yes?"

"Where are my friends." She concentrated on conjuring some lightning, her eyes turning white as she did so.

"Look lady, I don't know anything about anyone, my guess is they're somewhere and they're not here."

"That's not much help." Storm lowered her arms in defeat, the energy leaving the air. "Can you tell me if you saw anyone?"

"I see lots of people, some are green, and others grey, lots of people."

Again, no help. "Did you see one of my friends?"

"Girl with brown hair, has some white at the front? Guy with no hair, uses a chair with wheels on it?"

"Yes!"

"I might have. What's it worth?"

Ororo looked at her hands, adorned with lovely jewellery. "How about this?" She held up a fake gold bracelet.

"Do you take me for an idiot? Something real."

"Here."

The goblin took the newly offered bracelet. "Great." It turned to go.

"Hold on, where are they?"

"Just there watching you." That said, the goblin cackled and ran off.

The white haired woman shook her head. "At least it was just a plastic bracelet." She turned round and looked at Rogue and Charles. "Well?"

"Long explanation..."

-------------------------

Kurt looked out of his window, high up in his castle, surrounded by his labyrinth and his goblin idiotic slaves. He was the Goblin King, cool. The blue mutant grinned and looked into his magic crystal ball. It seemed that no one had even penetrated the first main ring yet. Typical.

He looked at all his goblins and watched them for a moment. He sighed heavily after a while. "How long until zey get here?"

"Oh, no one gets here, my lord." The slimiest goblin grinned. "That's the point of the maze, isn't it?"

Kurt raised his eyebrows and picked up John absently before swinging him around in a circle. "You know vhat, the rules have just changed and I know ze very goblins for it."

"Me?"

"Too slimy."

"Me?"

"Too big."

"Me?"

"Too small. No, I'm looking for..." He smiled slowly and tugged the sleeves of his long loose top and ignored the skin tight trousers that he was wearing as he flicked his tail. "Ze brotherhood of goblins."

"No! Not them!"

"Ja, them." Kurt laughed and then grinned as all the goblins started laughing and dancing also. Instantly, several goblins were lined up in front of him, each sharing an uncanny likeness to someone.

A particularly green one grinned. "Yo', when do we get to go?"

"Shut up!" One with bright white hair snarled then, in a blur, moved to Toads other side. "Wasn't me!"

"Both of you shut up!" The ground quaked under a thin brown goblin but stopped as a much larger, fatter goblin picked him up.

"Calm down, mien dear Brotherhood. You are ze chosen goblins in zis...plan. I need you to stop our guests from reaching ze castle. Now." He watched them leave then grinned to himself as he turned to look at John. "Don't vorry, they've failed every mission – you can't lose." He paused. "Though this is Jean ve're talking about."

---------------------

Said Jean was currently wondering about, completely lost and disorientated. She fell to her knees, dieing of starvation and hunger. A shadow fell across the red heads limp frame and kicked her.

"Yah get up, Miss Perfect. We only bin here for twenty minutes." Rogue crossed her arms. "Now would be ah good time."

"Oh, sorry." Jean instantly picked herself up and brushed off the dust before smiling at the trio. "Hi professor, Ororo."

"Hello Jean, would you care to explain what's happened?" The professor folded his arms and waitede patiently.

"Well, I was fed up with John and..."

--------------------

Ten minutes later.

"...dropped down in hunger what seemed like hours ago and then Rogue rudely kicked me."

The southern mutant cracked her knuckles. "Ah'm gonna do a lot worse ta ya at this rate."

"Children." Ororo raised her hands in a pacifying gesture. "Come now, let's just go and find this Goblin King before time runs out – look, there are doors and people just over there."

-----------------------

The people actually turned out to be cards. There was a red one, and a blue one. Then, to the X-men's horror, they realised that each card had two heads, one at the top and one at the bottom.

Jean fell to her knees again. "What am I supposed to do?!" She wailed.

"Yah can try shutin' up." Rogue marched over to the cards, which stood in front of two doors. "Alright, talk."

The bottom red one replied first. "Try one of the doors!"

The bottom blue took over. "One of them leads to the castle!

"And the other leads to-"

"Certain death, ah heard it before."

"Which one is -"

Rogue growled. "Just shut up an' think back tah th' movie, we only get one question an' one door always lies whereas th' other tells th' truth."

"Very well remembered, you'll be getting an extra mark for that." The professor nodded then smiled. "I know this one." He wheeled over to the red card. "If I was to ask the other door what one leads to the castle, what would he say. Blue or red?"

The top and bottom heads vanished to discuss this. A moment later, the top head popped back up. "Red."

"Then we'll go through blue."

"Why?" Red looked offended.

"Because if you said that the answer is red, then it's actually blue."

"But I could be telling the truth!"

"In which case, he'd be lying."

"But I could b lying."

"In which case, you'd be lying about the correct answer so I still do the opposite."

Everyone took a moment to think this one over and as no one could see fault with it – or actually see the logic in it either, they all walked through the blue door and fell through a huge hole which was lined with hands.

"Ah knew this wasn't a good idea!"


	3. Songs, Goblins and the Brotherhood

Disclaimer: Look, how often must I say this? I do not own the X-men, Labyrinth or David Bowie and his songs. Sniff.

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"Ahh!"

"Jean, I don't think screaming is helping matters."

"Sorry Storm."

"Thank you."

"Ah thought ah'd go deaf if she kept on goin'."

"Rogue, now is not the time for this."

"Whatevah proffesah." There was a pause. "Ah'm ah the only one who thinks these hands are kinda...wrong?"

There was a pause. "No, they are wrong."

"Hey!"

"Ahh!"

"Jean!" Rogue growled. "Th' hands just talked, big wow. Now, hands, what way are we going?"

"None just yet, up or down?"

"Come on, come on!"

"We don't have all day."

"Aah!"

"Get a lot of people falling down here, do you?" The professor asked conversationally. "Will my wheelchair be waiting for me?"

"No."

"It probably dropped down to the bottom, Charles." Storm sighed.

"Then we'll go down." The red head smiled at her ingenuity and screamed again as they were all dropped.

"Tha's real good thinkin', Miss Perfect."

-----------------

Scott stopped in his wanderings to find himself at the doors he had entered into the maze. He looked left then right then sat down. "Anyone going to help me?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"Aah!"

"It's alright." Continued the high pitched squeaky voice. "I'm just a worm."

"Oh."

"Now, you'll want to just walk forward and through that gap."

Scott got to his feet and did so, surprised to realise that the walls were cleverly placed together to look like one continuous piece of work. "Oh." He started to blush. "What way?"

"Left."

"Great." He ran off.

The worm chuckled. "Wont the Goblin King be pleased? Right would have taken that human straight to the castle."

There was a croak before the Toad-Goblin appeared next to him. "Hello."

"Hello." The worm started to edge away.

"I'm supposed to deal with this lot – not you." The Toad-Goblin flicked out his tongue and swallowed the worm whole. "Yum, worm for breakfast."

"Toad-Goblin!"

"Coming!"

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"Logan!" Shadow-cat screamed. "Get it away, get it away!"

"Hold still!"

"Ahh!"

"I said stay still."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Its only a spider, kitty, and your hair will grow back." He grinned broadly. "At least I'm not the only X-man now with a crew cut."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."

Logan looked over to the other mutant. "Do you think I should maybe just give her one danger room session as compensation."

"Yeah..."

-----------------------

Rogue opened her eyes slowly and found herself in a pitch black room. This was not good at all as she struggled to locate anything. A candle suddenly flared to life and the Goth glared at Ororo who was holding the candle.

"Sorry."

"It's all right." The weather witch looked around her then froze as a shadow detached itself into the circle of light.

"Vell, vell, vell, how are you enjoying mien maze?"

"Kurt, did you take John?" Rogue put her hands on her hips and marched over to him. "Well?"

The blue mutant blushed and shrugged. "I'm ze Goblin King and she asked me to take him avay."

The Goth looked at him square in the eyes. "Ok, at least ya have a reason. Jean!"

"What now?"

Kurt jumped in before world war three exploded out. "So then, how are you finding this challenge?"

Jean smiled smugly. "A piece of cake."

"Then let's raise the stakes." A clock appeared and the hour hand started to move forward rapidly.

"That's not fair!"

Everyone glared at Jean as Kurt bowed and vanished in a puff of brimstone smelling smoke. Ororo spoke first. "Jean, can I ask you not to speak anymore until we have your cousin?"

"Ok."

"Good." The weather witch stood up and ran into the knee high Pietro-Goblin. "Oh, what are you doing here?"

"I'm to take you back to the start."

"Which is?"

The goblin pointed to a ladder. "Up then left, takes you straight to the beginning."

"Ok." Storm conjured a bolt of lighting and fried the little goblin before heading to the ladder. "We shall go up then _right_."

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Kurt looked around his large castle room again and watched in his crystal ball as Ororo took initiative and started to head straight to the castle, he knew the Brotherhood Goblins wouldn't fail him. Only Scott was going the wrong way and Kitty was sporting a very strange haircut. Oh well, accidents happened.

"So zen." He looked at the goblins lazily. "Vhat shall ve do as ve vait?"

A particularly fluffy goblin grinned. "No idea."

"I, like, have totally no idea." A little goblin with a high pony giggled.

Kurt sat up, bolt straight. "You remind me of the babe." Music filled the room.

"What babe?" All the goblins chorused.

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"The power of voodoo."

"Who do?"

"You do."

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe."

The goblins burst out laughing and Kurt jumped to his feet, using his staff like a microphone. "Quiet!" More laughter. "A goblin babe." Again they laughed. "Well?"

The goblins started to dance manically.

"I saw my baby,

Crying as hard as babe could cry

What could I do?

My baby's love had gone

And left my baby blue

Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use."

The goblins started, a particularly skinny pair taking the lead.

"Slime and snails."

"Or puppy dogs tails" Chorused a furry one.

"Thunder or lightning." Boomed a large, fat one.

"And baby said," Kurt pointed to John.

"Ga. Ga." The baby gurgled on perfect cue.

"Dance magic dance

Dance magic dance..."

---------------------------

Logan was growing nervous as he walked through a hedged in part of the labyrinth, it was the silence that was getting on his nerves really. Kitty had stopped screaming and finished with shell shock nearly an hour ago – though the time on his watch had jumped a further four for some reason. A number thirteen had also appeared.

Kitty was right now staring straight ahead in grim silence.

"So, what way – left or right?" Evan asked with a groan.

"Left?"

"We always go left."

"Then why did you ask!" Logan popped out his adamantium claws and froze when Kitty caught his hand.

"Why don't you stop using these for threatening Evan and start using them like giant hedge cutters." She smiled darkly. "That way we'll just plough straight on to the castle and I can kick the Goblin King between the legs."

"Now vhy vould you vant to do zat, fraulein?" Kurt smiled as he rested with his back against a pillar. "Vell?"

Kitty looked at him then at Logan then at the castle. "You're the Goblin King?"

"Am I not vearing ze ridiculously tight trousers and loose shirt?"

"Good point." She turned round and kicked Logan, hard. "Much better, ok, so how are we to get to the castle?"

The blue mutant grinned. "You're idea vas good, it doesn't break ze rules of ze labyrinth. Oh, and fraulein, I like ze hair like zhat." He winked, kissed her hand and teleported away.

Evan folded his arms. "It's not fair, why does he get to be Goblin King?"

"Because he's gorgeous?"

"Oh."

-----------------------

Scott stopped in his tracks and looked behind him, did the wall just move? Sure that he was paranoid, he stepped forward and smashed his face against a wall that had not been there a moment ago.

"Ow."

Cyclops looked over at Lance-Goblin who cackled at him. "What do you want?"

"Why are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?"

He looked at his spandex costume. "It's what I wear for battle."

"Are you fighting? Because I'd like a good fight!" He lunged for Scott but was knocked over easily since he was barely knee high in height.

"I don't have time for this!"

"Yes you do!" The goblin concentrated and the ground started to move, the walls crumbling as a rupture split the earth. A large rock landed on the goblin.

"That was a little bit of an anticlimax." Scott walked past the boulder and onto the clear path that led straight to the castle.

-----------------------

There wasn't much time left and the professor was well aware of this, and his empty stomach, as he tried to wade his way in a wheelchair through some swamp that had appeared from somewhere. He had long since reasoned that this dimension was highly unstable and that's why nothing made sense.

The professor sighed as the wheel of his wheelchair got stuck, again, and Ororo had to push him along, again, so that they could keep going. He kept waiting for Jean to actually think of using her telekinesis but it was failing somewhat. Before he could just go and ask her to save them all a lot of bother, there was a war cry followed by a girl with a crew cut armed with a stick.

"Oh." Kitty blushed. "Its just you guys – we thought it was the creepy things again."

"The creepy things?"

"Yeah, really tall with red hair and scrawny legs. Logan kept beheading them but they kept putting their heads back on." She shrugged. "It's safe to come out now!"

The two men both sheepishly shuffled out of hiding.

"Good." Kitty noticed that everyone was looking at her. "Yes?"

"Nothing."

The girl shrugged and started to continue trekking forward, like everyone else and found a hard time of doing so too. She stopped and raised her stick at the sound of approaching footsteps from a joining path.

Scott screamed when he saw Kitty with a crew cut jumping out in front of him. He then regained his composure enough to scowl. "Why did you do that?"

"In case you were some monster thing." There was a pause and Evan spoke first.

"Err, dude, why are you wearing that?"

Cyclops blushed and mumbled something about battle stations before self consciously moving on along the path. There was a sudden rush of feet and they were surrounded by the 'creepy things' with long scrawny legs and bright red and orange fur. They looked as if they were goblins who had been set on fire.

"What have we here?" One grinned.

"Some people! Why are you here?"

Jean took a breath. "To get to the castle to save my cousin from the Goblin King."

"Kurt will take better care of him than you did." Kitty growled before glaring at the things. "Just get out of my way, now!"

"Oh, we don't have any problem with that – we don't have any problems at all!"

The leader scare crow like goblin laughed as he took his head off.

"Don't have no problems

No problems (they echoed)

Aint got no suitcase

No suitcase (again, they echoed)

Aint got no clothes to worry about

Aint got no real estate

Or jewellery or gold mines to hang me up

I just throw in my hand

Throw in his hand (echoed)

With the chilliest bunch in the land!"

They continued their awful singing in their slow lazy drawls and kept throwing about their heads and limbs before trying to pull off Logan's head.

His solution was to chop off a few arms then rip off all their heads and throw them into the water with a ferocious snarl. He turned to see that Kitty had successfully dissembled twice his number and so scowled.

She smiled sweetly. "Anything the matter?"

"No."

"Hey look – it's the wall to the path to the castle!"

Everyone looked at Jean. Ororo this time decided to ask. "Child, how do you know that?"

"Err, I read the goblins mind?"

There was a loud groan followed by several 'couldn't you have done that _before_'. She had the decency to at least blush.

----------------------

Kurt laughed in triumph as they managed to clamour onto the pathway that was a five minute walk to his unguarded front door. The only thing was, they could stand on the clearly marked pits concealed poorly by the remaining members of the Brotherhood of Goblins.

He watched, horrified, as they fell through the traps and down the chutes into the bog of eternal stench. How could they have fallen for that! He sighed and walked over to the nearest goblin which he then proceeded to throw out the window before picking up the cousin.

"Vell, lets hope you don't get any of ze genes on Jeans side of ze family."

-------------------

The stink was overpowering, it was, it was indescribably bad. The bogs water popped and bubbled with an audible farting noise only adding to the stench which they were all currently trying not to breathe in.

Ororo looked around her and noticed that there was a bridge spanning the bog which led to another wall. After pointing this out, they made their way there only to be confronted by a guard.

This guard was maybe half knee height, had a huge white moustache and white tousled hair under a smart blue admirals cap. He was armed with a sword and boots and a menacing glint in one eye. "Halt! You are not allowed to cross this bridge!"

Everyone looked at the guard then at each other then back at the guard. They all burst out laughing uncontrollably before just walking past.

"I said halt!" The small dog like creature lunged forward and sunk his teeth into Logan who snarled and spun round, successfully knocking over half his team mates before going down in a heap with the guard standing on his chest victorious.

"Anyone else? I thought not! Now back!"

Evan grew a spike and flung it at the guard who moved with lightning speed and kicked the mutant in the back of the knee before reappearing to one side.

"No one can cross this bridge without permission."

There was a pause and then Cyclops let loose with his laser eye beams, sending the guard flying and the bridge crumbling into the swamp. Everyone glared at him.

"Well, I think I'd best inform you that if you step into that water you'll forever smell as bad as this, only I personally think it smells like roses, and also, if you had asked my permission, you could have crossed the bridge."

Everyone continued to glare at Scott who was burning a red that matched his ruby quartz visor. "Ok, I goofed up."

He was given the silent treatment as everyone turned away. The professor spoke first. "Do you think Storm that you could fly us across? Or Jean, perhaps lift us across?"

"Charles that would be an incredible feat for anyone."

"Even you?"

"Even – well, yes, even me." She shook her head. "Perhaps we could move some branches and form a crude bridge."

"It might not hold though."

"We could get Scott to test it." Kitty volunteered.

"It's a plan."

-----------------------

From high in his castle tower, Kurt watched in hysterics as the X-men tried to build a bridge stable enough for it to stay up. Why they couldn't use the bridge a few feet downstream was beyond him but still, it was hilarious.

The blue mutant turned to the goblin that was looking nervous as he held a tray by his side. "Ja, goblin?"

"I have brought the things you requested, lord."

"Good, now go and do what goblins do." Kurt opened up the platter and took out the glass of cola and ice which he sipped leisurely. The box of chocolates was then opened and he settled down for a comfortable wait as the goblins started to dance and sing again.


	4. The castle and Goblin King

Disclaimer: I don't own them, neither does anyone else who writes for All I own is John and an overactive imagination as well as a tonne of sugar – hee hee!

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There was a ragged cheer as they finally made it across the make-shift bridge. It was then that the other bridge was spotted and everyone decided to not mention it ever again. Except for Scott who was soaking wet in his spandex suit. And smelling. Very badly.

It was creepy, walking through the ghost town at the base of the castle but a nice break from goblins and surprises. Except when there was a holler followed by over a thousand of the things flooding out from the homes and from crevices.

"Ha!" Logan ripped out three throats in one brutal metal clawed swipe.

Kitty raised her stick. "Oh good, more goblins." She swung and sent one flying into a cannon which exploded and sent about twenty into a wall.

"That doesn't count."

She raised her eyebrows. "Twenty one." She hit another goblin. "Twenty two."

Over to a different part of the city, Ororo had taken to the skies and was lashing at the armies with lightning bolts and well placed minute tornadoes. She was taking great delight in crushing them like ants as she imagined the various tortures she was going to put Jean through for the whole mess they were in.

Evan added a few more spikes to the crumbling defence protecting him, the professor and Jean from the goblins. "Come on, we can't hold this off for much longer!"

"You'll have to."

"Oh man..."

"Eighty three, eighty four." Logan smirked at his growing mountain of corpses.

Kitty raised an eyebrow and kicked a goblin which fell and connonballed another five. "One hundred and seven, one hundred and eight, one hundred and nine."

"Shut up, half-pint."

She smirked and crushed another goblin skull.

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From his castle room, now empty of all goblins for they had been sent to fight, Kurt watched in amusement as the X-men failed to realise that the western side of the city was empty. They were going to really kick themselves when they realised _that_ little error. Probably after they'd finished battering Jean though.

He frowned as he noticed that Logan and Kitty were demolishing his ranks almost effortlessly, well, he could always have a little fun...

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"Oh come on, that thing wasn't in the film." Kitty looked at the giant snarling one eyed goblin that looked suspiciously like the Greek mythological Cyclops of myths.

Logan grinned manically. "Too big a challenge for you?"

"For you, maybe." Kitty laughed and charged forward with a war cry, Logan close on her heels.

Ororo looked at the giant monster and decided to fry its skull with a lightning bolt. It went down with one blast and proceeded to crush the entire goblin army. That was a little too easy really. She landed on the ground and smiled at the dark looks the two resident maniacs were giving her. "I believe that's five hundred and seventy to me."

They continued to glower.

"This is not the time." The professor wheeled forward, the left tyre had gone flat so he kept on moving to the left and had to keep readjusting the wheelchairs path. He wound up facing the wrong way. "A little help?"

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They were in the castle – finally. Kurt glanced at the clock, they had five minutes to find the room he was in and to get John successfully. That was going to be some mean feat. After all, the room was built of staircases and platforms on all different levels of reality.

They were going to be quite surprised when they realised that they could be walking upside down or to the side in the room of staircases.

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The fifth room was another empty one and this time, the X-men decided that since they were running out of time, they would just split up and open doors that way.

No one was more surprised when they all opened a door and walked into the same room from different levels and ways round. They all looked to the centre where Kurt stood holding the cousin in his arms.

"I'm glad you could all make it, though time is running short, ja?"

Scott's eyes widened. "You're the Goblin King, Kurt!"

Everyone looked at the man in spandex critically. Rogue decided to talk. "Err, didn't he just, ya know, show up an' tell ya?"

"No, he must have been trying to fool me at a later point into trusting him!"

"Nein, I just forgot about you."

"Oh." Scott looked down the regretted it when he realised that his down was actually Kurt's up.

"What's with ze spandex? I'm supposed to have ze ridiculously tight trousers." The blue mutant grinned and teleported. "Vell? You have to reach John before ze thirteenth chime."

There was a groan before everyone started running to reach the child, only to find themselves on a completely different flight of stairs each time. Kitty managed to bump into Kurt on the second chime.

"We need more time!"

"Vell, I could give you an extra minute for a kiss, fraulein." He flashed a fanged smile and flicked his tail around her waist.

Kitty raised her eyebrows before rolling her eyes and giving the mutant a kiss on the cheek.

"Ja!" The mutant jumped up and back flipped onto a lower level where he produced a clock and moved the minute hand back one minute. "Vell? Vhat are you vaiting for?"

Jean chewed her lip. "Aren't you supposed to give some spiel then I break your magic and have a happy ending?"

"Vhy? I'm happy if you just have your cousin and you're happy if you have him."

"Oh." The red head telekinetically lifted herself and floated over to the platform where John was sitting. She ignored the groans and even the death threat from Kitty that mentioned hairballs. "Ha!"

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Professor Xavier opened his eyes cautiously and smiled at the familiar surroundings of his bedroom. It had all just been some horrific dream, some twisted nightmare that was simply a combination of a strange movie, worry and too much popcorn.

He got himself ready and used the elevator to take him to the ground floor where he came across Logan trundling to the kitchen also for breakfast. They paused and looked at each other calculatingly.

"So Chuck, did you sleep well?"

"Very." Charles Xavier continued on into the kitchen were he frowned at the gathered X-men, Evan, Ororo, Rogue and Jean with her little cousin. Scott then entered looking a little edgy and mumbled something about danger room sessions sinking into his subconscious.

Everyone settled down for the usual breakfast chaos when Kitty entered, everyone stopped to look at the crew-cut that was all that remained of her once proud long hair. She looked back at them all coolly before sitting down.

Charles wondered if perhaps he had picked up on the subconscious of Kitty's mind last night and that was why the hair was a coincidence. Must have been, it was the only logical explanation.

Then Kurt walked in wearing a long loose, opened white shirt and tight black trousers. He smiled at them all with a fanged grin and then sat down where he started to eat. There was an uncomfortable silence except between Kitty and Kurt who kept grinning at one another.

"Jean?"

"Yes?" The red head replied carefully to Kurt, perhaps she had tapped into his sub consciousness about having a change of style.

"Can you explain to me vhy you never looked for ze other bridge?" He sat back and laughed at the waxen faces. "Or vhy you didn't go through ze empty half of ze city?"

"And why did you use your telekinetic abilities _after_ I had kissed Kurt? Oh, and I still beat you Logan so -" Kitty stuck her tongue out.

"Well I beat the both of you." Storm grinned childishly and stuck her tongue out too.

"Jean?" Scott slid over towards her slightly, there was a nasty pong coming off him still. "Never, ever baby sit again, ok?"

"Yeah."

"And never, ever let Logan pick films again."

"Agreed." The entire table chorused, including Logan who leaned back and grinned.

"So, Elf, what was it like being a king?"

"Vell, I vas hoping for ze Elfin King post, Goblin is just so derogatory." He picked up Kitty and dropped her onto his lap. "But I vont complain vith my Goblin Queen." He paused. "There's just one thing."

"What?"

"It's..." A beat started up from somewhere, causing Kurt to jump to his feet, pulling kitty up with him. He grinned. "You remind me of the babe."

"What babe?" Kitty asked, surprised.

"The babe with the power."

"What power." She asked hesitantly.

"The power of the voodoo."

Goblins erupted from every hiding hole available. "Who do?"

"You do."

"Do what?" Kitty was grinning from ear to ear.

"Remind me of the babe." He hugged her and grinned, waiting again for his cue.

"Oh no!" She was twirled.

Kurt broke into song again. "I saw my baby,

Crying as hard as babe could cry

What could I do?

My baby's love had gone

And left my baby blue

Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use."

There was laughter amongst the goblins as they pulled everyone to their feet to dance. "Slime and snails."

"Or puppy dogs tails" Laughed Logan.

"Thunder or lightning." Ororo giggled.

"And baby said," Kurt pointed to John.

"Ga. Ga." The baby gurgled and clapped.

"Dance magic dance

Dance magic dance..."

Fini! Please review and let us know if it's a bad idea or not to post fanfics written whilst on a sugar high!

Oh, and also, there's a Kurt pic labyrinth style. If you would like a copy of it just send a review with your email address and we'll send you it.


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